September 25th, 2024 - My Semaglutide Journey

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I wasn't hungry or thirsty. I was worried about needing to vomit. I wasn't even feeling nauseous. I was just worried that nausea would hit while I'm asleep, and I wouldn't make it to the bathroom fast enough. I also had in the back of my mind the notorious death of Bon Scott (lead vocalist for AC/DC) who choked on his own vomit in 1980. So I was nervous about nausea, though it never appeared.

I woke up this morning at around 10 AM after a night of tossing and turning. I didn't feel hungry even though it had been 19 hours since my last bite of food.

Breakfast: bowl of mixed vegetables, lightly salted, no oil or butter, no seasonings

Lunch: Chicken patty broiled in the air fryer 15 minutes each side (30 minutes total)

Dinner: Protein bar, Kroger brand, 190 kcals

Hydration: warm water in an insulated container that I could sip periodically.

I also had a 20 oz coffee, which I prepare with a small amount of boiling water, just enough to dissolve the Nescafe original instant coffee. I fill the rest of the 20 oz mug with unsweetened soymilk and heat it to taste. I put it in a vacuum insulated container and drink it over the course of an hour.

I have popcorn I can make if I start feeling a bit hungry, but I didn't make any today.

I learned more about how semaglutide works. It basically paralyzes the stomach muscles, so food hangs around in the stomach much longer than it normally would. It also suppresses the appetite, though I'm not sure of the specific mechanism. It doesn't paralyze the entire digestive tract, only the stomach, but it does slow the rest of it down. That means the bolus of food moves very slowly through the small and large intestines. Water is absorbed from the bolus as it travels through the system. The more dehydrated you are, the more aggressively the intestines will pull water from the bolus. So, if you don't have enough fiber and hydration, you could end up with bad constipation or even an intestinal blockage!

I also learned that the stomach has a special channel for water to flow through where it can be quickly absorbed into the bloodstream. That's why water quickly hydrates the body, whereas food has to sit around digesting, so blood sugar doesn't spike instantly after swallowing the food.

I also learned that fiber isn't just for keeping the bolus moving through the system. It also slows down sugar absorption from sugary foods, making sugar absorption into the blood stream more drawn out, leading to lower spikes in blood sugar. Because the blood sugar spikes are lower with fiber, your pancreas doesn't have to produce nearly as much insulin, and your body builds up less insulin resistance. Insulin resistance sounds good, but it isn't good. Insulin resistance is the cause of diabetes.

Today was actually a pretty good day. I probably ate less than 1000 kcals. I didn't feel hungry. Quite the opposite, my belly felt full. I didn't have a bowel movement today. I also didn't experience sulfur burps or gas, which is a common complaint by those taking semaglutide. I didn't experience any nausea. I did have slightly more brain fog than the background fog I live with since my brain injury.

I did have one moment of emotional struggle. I'm selling that awful tenant's belongings to recover the lost income and repair costs. I felt nothing selling her dressers and bookcase. But I decided to not sell the toys and toddler things. I donated them to a local battered women's shelter instead. The staff at the shelter eyed me with suspicion and insisted that I leave the donated items in the parking lot for later retrieval. I'm glad to be rid of those toys. Even though I don't particularly like kids, I'm human, so I don't want children going without. Why don't I like kids? Aside from the obvious (germs, smells, noise, chaos), gay men of my generation had to be very careful around kids so as to avoid ever being in a position where an accusation of misconduct could be made. I make it a general rule to stay away from kids, and I am only in their presence if the parents are there too. The excesses of the #metoo movement demonstrate my concerns are valid!

I only have a few things left to sell or haul off to the dump and I can close this chapter of the tenant from hell. The really shitty thing is, I could have avoided this whole thing had I not trusted the zillow background check. I always insisted on searching court records myself. But zillow said they do that for you. They didn't do a very good job. After all this crap started, I searched the state court records and found an eviction for this lunatic woman from 2009 in another county. I didn't make the same mistake with the new tenants.

I want to state unequivocally that no one pushed me to take this drug. I'm doing this for myself, on my own volition. My partner never asked me to go on the drug. And it certainly doesn't have anything to do with what that awful bigot tenant said about my body. I just don't want to die by 50. I certainly don't want my family and friends standing around saying that I ate myself to death. If I do die of a heart attack, I want to know that I fought hard against my eating disorder and didn't give up on life without a fight!

My Semaglutide Journey

Like most people, I gained weight during the COVID lockdowns. I had been going to the gym 3 times per week, but that stopped when SARS-COV-2 started spreading in my city. I've been on so many diets, and my BMI has fluctuated between 25 and 40. Over the last 20 years, I've gained and lost over a thousand pounds through diet, exercise, and various weight loss drugs and programs.

I'm a gay man in my mid 40's living in suburbia. All told, my life is pretty good. I have a partner who loves me and dog who adores me. We own our house outright and own two rental properties. I have surrounded myself with small-L liberals (not loony progressives or woke racists), and live in relative safety and comfort.

The last two years have been a bit rough though. I fell off a ladder and ended up with a pretty bad TBI (traumatic brain injury). I lost my job at a major tech firm because of the TBI. My mom (paternal aunt who raised me from 8 and adopted me at 16) died. Her impending death led me to find that she never really accepted me for being gay, and as a result, I was being given unequal treatment in the inheritance. I never wanted anything but love from her, but this was like a punch in the gut.

More recently, I had a tenant from hell who harassed me. Her boyfriend had cheated on her (with a female prostitute), but she somehow managed to convince herself that me and my partner were sleeping with him, and that we had all conspired to do various things to her. Needless to say, she has a few screws loose. She sent emails and text messages making awful comments about my body, and obscene remarks about what she thinks me and my partner do sexually. She signaled her intention to squat after her boyfriend moved out, despite the fact that she had already moved into another apartment in a neighboring city. She left some belongings in the house, consisting of a few dressers and toys belonging to her toddler. I finally got rid of her, but it took a massive toll on my mental and physical well-being. I got shingles and a cold sore from all the stress. I gained 30 pounds. The sad thing is, state law doesn't protect the landlord from a harassing tenant. If I had harassed her, the law would have protected her, but not when she harassed me.

My health deteriorated so much that I genuinely started to prepare for an early demise from health-related illness. My hope was a massive heart attack that would take me quickly, not leaving me a burden on my family.

The other day, I was just sitting in my car with my dog, and I realized how stupid it is to be preparing for an early death when I could fight for my life! I realized I didn't want to leave my partner grieving and my dog having lost her bestest human.

So, I called up a friend who runs a weight loss clinic and asked for help. I had a consultation, and received injectable semaglutide in the mail this afternoon. I also found a support group on Facebook, more on that later. If you're reading this, don't ask for advice on where to get semaglutide. My friend runs a very small clinic, and cannot handle any more patients.

I'll try to make daily posts, specifying how I feel, any side-effects, and what I'm doing to mitigate side-effects like nausea, constipation, dizziness, etc.

Trump fanned the flames of Russiagate, then cried foul when progressives took him seriously

It was July 27th, 2016, at a news conference, where Trump asked Russia to intervene in our election to "find the 30,000 emails that are missing". Trump later claimed it was a joke, saying he and the audience laughed. Typical of a Trump lie, it was easily exposed as a lie by examining the cspan footage of the entire press conference. But he has so much contempt for his supporters, he knows they won't check.

As you may recall, conservative media was having a field day criticizing Clinton's use of a private email server instead of government servers, and the fact that many emails were lost in an alleged backup debacle. They benefitted from Clinton's mistake, however. Without that mistake, Guccifer would likely have been unable to hack Sidney Blumenthal's emails, which provided a lot of political treats for Republicans and conservative media over Benghazi.

Anyway, back to Russiagate. He claimed that, as a candidate, he had no connections to Putin or Russia. When the Mueller report was released, it documented many links between close family and campaign connections to Russia and the Russian government.

Now, the conservative media is pretending Russiagate was a fever dream of progressives suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome. I might add that self-styled patriots had a similar derangement over Obama.

The Mueller Report speaks most plainly about the collusion between the Trump campaign/family and the Russian government and its proxies. But, in a typical Trump move, he had his lap dog Attorney General, Bill Barr, put out a press release essentially lying about the contents of the report. Again, the contempt Trump has for his followers is galling.

It's true that the Mueller Report was not the smoking gun progressives had hoped for. It was enough for thinking people to realize Trump had played the media and his followers like a master playing a perfectly tuned Stradivarius.

The most troubling aspect of the Trump phenomenon is how easily he lies about easily verifiable things. Remember his claims about his inauguration turnout? Why would anyone believe him when the same lying, vindictive swine says the election was stolen?

Uri Berliner Exposes Ideological Capture at NPR

The Free Press just dropped a piece from Uri Berliner, where he lays out how NPR has been ideologically captured. Setting my watch for 12 hours for the world to see the collapse of NPR as leftist activists hack away at the pillars of this once great American institution.

I used to be an almost rabid NPR listener. My last car proudly spirted an "I heart NPR" bumper sticker. I once had an argument with an elderly man who, upon seeing my bumper sticker, made a snide remark about communists.

Little did I know, he was right. I just hadn't noticed yet.

This was in my first year living in the Seattle area. We had moved from the frigid midwest to the warm and green pacific northwest. We moved because wanted to be sure our state government would never use our tax dollars to enshrine second class citizenship for gays into law.

In the Midwest, I had joined my local Occupy group as I was irritated by the bailouts of banksters and the fact that no one went to jail for the massive fraud that tanked the economy. I was immediately shocked at the nastiness and vitriol lobbed at anyone who dared question the consensus condemnation of what was being called "late capitalism". It was clear I had not found my tribe.

That's the kind of liberal I was.

When we moved to Seattle, we thought we were moving to the liberal utopia. Our enthusiasm was short-lived.

First there was the degree snobbery. I never had the privilege or money to go to college. Hell, I barely could afford the fees to take the GED test. That caused me to have long stretches of unemployment, punctuatedby minimum wage jobs. In the Midwest, I was the CFO of a small technology company. 

Then I noticed the intolerance of the locals. I once made the mistake of saying, at an atheist meetup, that I quite liked not having an income tax at the state level. The organizer politely asked me to leave.

I recall the exact moment I stopped my monthly contributions to KUOW. They had started referring to pregnant women as "pregnant people", and the station started uncritically quoting election material provided by the city council's own socialist bomb thrower, Kshama Sawant.

So, I'm starting my stop watch. It will be hours, if not minutes before Mr. Berliner is hounded out of his job by activists pretending to be journalists. Even the union will turn on him.

The moment he starts a substack, I'll join as a paying subscriber. I did the same for Cliff Mass, a local meteorologist, who was canned for not toeing the line on climate change. 

Leftist Podcast Implosion

I used to be a fan of a podcast called Opening Arguments, until I had a disagreement with one of the hosts over email.

It brings me so much joy to see the podcast has imploded in a leftist witch hunt over, obviously "sexual misconduct". Isn't it always?

And the atheist leftist community went absolutely apeshit.

I love watching political zombies eat each other's brains. 

I Voted for Nikki Haley

I'm a Washington State voter. For POTUS, I've voted democrat since 1996, the first year I was eligible to vote.

I've voted for candidates from both parties. I voted for Kim Wyman and Andy Hill. I would have voted for McCain, but he brought as his running mate a Christian dominionist idiot.

My hand shook a bit when I marked republican on the declaration box. I did it to vote for Nikki Haley. I know she's anti-choice, but I think she's actually quite moderate. She's also the daughter of Indian immigrants of the Sikh religion. They are the warriors of India, and some of the most industrious people alive today.

So I set aside my concerns over abortion rights and voted for her. I hope she makes an independent run and moves to the center politically.

It would be my pleasure to see a Desi woman be the first female POTUS!

GO NIKKI HALEY!

Grieving Alone - Distraction Provided by Television

After Mom died, my partner was called away to take care of his own parents. I almost immediately got COVID-19, which has dragged on for over a month. I've been grieving my mom's passing by doing little projects around the house (when I have the energy), but mostly I watch television from my youth.

First, I turned to Roseanne. I grew up in a working-class family, and my biological parents were the working poor. There was something comforting about watching select episodes. I know Roseanne Barr said some horrible things, and she has become politically unhinged, but I choose to remember her for the headstrong woman who used to hit her husband with a frying pan for laughs. In some ways, my mom was like Roseanne from the '90s. She was a hard-working boomer who worked her fingers to the bone taking care of her daughter and taking in two homeless kids. Something about re-watching Roseanne helped me remember my mom for the best parts of her unique being.

I then moved on to Star Trek Voyager. I grew up on Next Generation, but I have gravitated to Voyager more as I get older. In this time of grieving the loss of the matriarch of my family, Janeway provides some comfort. She's always headstrong and tough, while also being warm and feminine when required. I also see my mom in her character as well.

I then watched the Vicar of Dibley. The lead character is played by Dawn French, and is a newly ordained female vicar. The show takes place shortly after the Church of England started to ordain women. To me, Geraldine Granger represents a woman who broke through a glass ceiling while endearing the stodgy, conservative men around her with a quick wit and a hilarious disposition. My mom broke through many glass ceilings in her life. She faced many challenges, yet she always found a way to smile.

At the moment I'm re-watching Queer As Folk. It will come as no surprise to learn that I also found a character in this show that reminds me of my mom. Two of them in fact. The first is Michael's mom, Debbie. She's a headstrong, bossy, charming woman who always works hard and smiles. That's where the similarities end though. Debbie is a proud PFLAG mom, whereas my mom took many years to accept that I'm actually gay, and not just "being a pervert". She knew gay men, and she accepted them, even if she didn't exactly understand. She just didn't accept that SHE had raised a gay boy. The other character that reminded me somewhat of mom was Justin's mother, Jennifer. She's a fairly conservative housewife who discovers her son is gay, and struggles to understand and accept her son. She ultimately comes to accept her gay son, and it happens fairly quickly in narrative terms in the show. My mom took a lot longer. It wasn't until I brought a doctor home that my mom really started to accept me as her gay son. I still think she harbored some hesitations to the end, but she was too much of a lady to say anything.

Part of my grieving has had to do with inequality in how the inheritance will work. I was told by my step-father and my adopted sister that my mom wanted to cut me out of the inheritance entirely, but that an attorney suggested that might lead to a legal struggle that would cause problems. So, as my adopted sister and step-father narrate it, my mom agreed to give me 20%, while her daughter got 40%, and my step-father's daughter got the remaining 40%. There was a will written up in 2001, which laid all this out, but my mom never signed it. This is all hearsay, as I have not seen the will. If this is true, 2001 represented the low point of my relationship with my mom. In 2003, I met my partner, and things started looking up. By 2006, when we moved to Atlanta for my partner's residency, my relationship with mom was far better than her relationship with her biological daughter.

It hurts that they took a snapshot of the comparative relationships at the time when my stock was lowest with mom, and used that to give me an unequal share.

In some ways I feel bad for feeling angry about the unequal treatment. From my adopted-sister's perspective, it should have all been hers. She was always told the house was hers, and mom even went as far as putting my sister's name on the title of the house. Of course, after she got married, she wanted to put her new husband's name on the title, and my sister INSISTED on being paid a large sum of money to sign off on the change. In order to pay, mom cashed out her 401(k) retirement fund.

From my step-father's perspective, it should have been split evenly between his daughter and mom's daughter. He and I never had a good relationship. It was only in caring for mom that we really started to forgive and forget some of the things that happened shortly after they got married.

I'm ok. At the moment, I'm unemployed. I have my small side-gigs that keep me afloat, except for this damned virus keeping me from working for over a month! I still sometimes feel a pang of grief when I overhear a proud mother praising her son. I tear up a bit thinking how I'll never again hear her voice and see her eyes light up when she looks at me and says "that's my boy!".

I miss you mom. It was hard watching them put the veil on you and close your casket. It's hard knowing you're laying there in the cold ground for eternity.

At least I took the time to go see her as she was fading at the end. I held her hand and she opened her eyes and looked at me. She couldn't talk, but she smiled a bit and squeezed my hand before closing her eyes. I spent a few more minutes listening to her breathe. I kissed her on the cheek, told her I love her, and I left. I knew that was the last time I'd see her again. I'm so grateful to have spent that time with her. I miss her, but I'm also happy she isn't suffering anymore. I knew being locked in that memory care was hard for her. Still, as she always did, she made friends with other residents, and could still light up the room with her smile.

She did the best she could. She took in 2 homeless kids and gave us a home. Any mistakes she made in her future parenting were nothing compared to the kindness she showed with that first act of selfless kindness.

Mom's Funeral Speech

Given at my mom's funeral. I've stripped out some identifying information to protect my privacy. I wrote this over the course of about a week.

--------------Begin speech

I remember speaking at this very podium 35 years ago. Back then, they put podium at the lowest height and the microphone was down as far as it could go. I never imagined I'd be speaking here again. Hopefully my oratory skills have improved since then.

I spent hours agonizing over how to best honor mom. I ultimately decided to just share a few memories, quotes and concepts I cherish.

Anyone who knows mom knows she had a special place in her heart for animals. I have a picture of her as a teenager at a wedding. In her hands is a small black fuzzy thing. Upon closer inspection, you can clearly see it's a kitten. Yes, she brought a kitten to a wedding. This should come as a surprise to no one.

Mom once showed up at my apartment with a wounded pigeon she'd found floundering in the road. I told her my lease didn't allow pets. Undeterred, she marched over to the manager's apartment and informed him she was leaving it with me. The manager was a big guy, but he knew he'd met his match. He relented and gave his consent. Before I knew it, she brought over 2 homeless cockatoos as well! That's when the manager put the kibosh on the ever-expanding avian zoo!

When I was 7 or 8, mom got new linoleum in the kitchen. I got home from school and decided I was going to clean the new linoleum. I guess it looked in need of a cleaning! When she walked in the door from a hard day's work at the shop, she found that I had used comet cleaner on her shiny new linoleum. Needless to say, it was no longer shiny! At the time she was not happy, but eventually she learned to laugh about it. She had a way of finding the silver lining in just about any situation. That was one of her most endearing qualities. That, and her gift for gab.

After me and my partner moved away, mom and I would still talk on the phone for hours multiple times per week. We never ran out of things to talk about. 

One time dad and my partner were captive observers to one of these chat fests. We were driving through Lake Tahoe, and mom and I started talking. We were so engrossed in our conversation that we failed to notice the bored and stunned looks on their faces. Apparently we talked nonstop for 3 hours completely oblivious to their boredom. I earned a nickname that day: chatty cathy.

I found a poem that touched me in dealing with my grief at losing my favorite conversation partner. 

Hericlitis, by Callimachus, translated by William Johnson Corey:

They told me Hericlitis 

They told me you were dead

They brought me bitter news to hear

And bitter tears to shed

I wept as I remembered

How often you and I 

Had tired the sun with talking 

And sent him down the sky.

I'd like to read a memorable quote from the epistle to the Philippians. This is chapter 4, verse 8:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

I'd like to close with a cultural observation.

In Judaism, when they learn someone has died, they say "yehi zichra baruch", which translates to, "may her memory be for a blessing".

Mom. I will miss our conversations. I will miss your contagious, uproarious laughter. I will miss your legendary kindness. For me, your memory will always be a blessing. 

Thank you for rescuing a homeless kid and giving me a good life.

Hate Crime Laws Violating Free Speech

I'm almost a free speech purist, with exceptions for incitement to violence. That's why I'm horrified that a man has been convicted for trespass for putting notes on doors of homes flying the rainbow flag.

Here's the article:

https://apnews.com/article/iowa-hate-crime-lgbtq-rainbow-flag-b5d7d94722180171d80c38edf3676576

First off, saying "burn that gay flag" should never EVER be a crime. I'm a gay man, and I've put up with a lot of hateful speech in my lifetime. Never once did I think the speaker should have been prosecuted. It's speech, not conduct!

And what did they ultimately charge him with? Trespass. For walking on private property to put the notes on the doors. Did he holler at them? No. Did he threaten them? No. He simply walked up the walkway and put a note on the door expressing his opinion of the rainbow flag. 

People walk up to people's doors and leave notes frequently. Missionaries leave notes. People drive around leaving business cards and religious tracts. Is the state really saying no crime would have been committed if he had mailed them the note, or left it on the fence?

This guy was given 2 years probation for speech! I'm absolutely fucking livid! Why in hell did the snowflakes who received the notes call the police? Are gays suddenly buddy buddy with the police? Last I checked the police caused gay men more trouble that they ever provided help. This kind of shit is why so many people hate on gays. We won marriage equality. We won housing and employment protections. Do we have to pretend we're victimized by some old bigot leaving notes around town? Grow the fuck up!

A Unique Light Went Out in the Universe

My mom died last night. When I read the text message from my stepfather, I was overcome with a very complex set of emotions. I was mostly so sad that her uniqueness, her voice, her light was gone forever. But there was a small amount of relief and happiness that she's not in pain anymore.

The last time I saw here awake was a few days before she died. She was alert and talking, but the talk was nonsense. There were a few words mixed in, but it was mostly just her trying to communicate and being unable to. I'll never forget one specific thing. My mom loved to tell jokes, some of them a bit risque. Whenever she would tell a risque joke, she would let out this amazing laugh. It was high pitched, but had some low tones of a belly laugh. It reminded me that, even in her diminished state, her baseline personality and sense of humor was still intact. She still had that sparkle in her eye as she was speaking to her memory care bestie.

The last time I saw her, she was mostly unconscious. She would stir periodically, and she once opened her eyes. I held her hand and sat with her. I told her I love her. She was heavily sedated, but she squeezed my hand. She was so peaceful. I spent about an hour with her. I watched her breathe and mumble. As I was walking out of the room, I knew I would never see her again. I looked back at her, listened to her breathing, told her I love her and closed the door.

I took a meandering route home. It took 3 days to get home. By the time I got home, my stepfather was sending me texts with her vitals. Each text showed her fading away. After 3 more days, she took her last breath and died.

My mom was a lot of things. She was an entrepreneur. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a scout leader, a diligent worker, a friend, devout LDS, and so much more. She was salt-of-the-earth, the kind of shoulders upon which civilization rests. Even though she would never have called herself a feminist, she certainly broke a lot of glass ceilings in her time.

She struggled to accept a gay son. For her, I think she thought gay men existed because their parents failed them. She kept saying, "I didn't raise a gay boy". She had gay friends and coworkers. I know she didn't have any hate in her heart for gay men, but she just didn't think I was gay. I guess I don't fit the stereotype, so she had a bit of a point. After about 5 years, she finally accepted me. It got to the point where she scolded a woman who stood up in relief society to invite everyone to go protest at the pride celebration.

I don't believe in an afterlife. But, if I'm wrong, I hope people like my mom have a very good afterlife. She did so much good in her life, if anyone deserves a just reward after death, it is her. I feel the same about dogs. I know the euphemism of the rainbow bridge is quaint, but when I look at my own precious girl, I have to think she won't really be gone. But at the end of the day I know when the time comes for us all, it's simply lights out.

Everyone eventually fades from the memory of their descendants. My mom had such an amazing life, I might write a book about her life.

Maybe it is the fact that I've had a year to prepare, and 15 days of real notice, but I feel mostly at peace with mom's passing. I will certainly miss her. I will probably tear up a bit periodically when my senses remind me of something reminiscent of her. But I feel healthy closure in a way I didn't when my dad died. One note: The amazing woman who died yesterday is, for all intents and purposes my mom. However, biologically she is my paternal aunt who raised me and adopted me. The man who preceded her in death is my biological father (her brother), who died many years ago.

Goodbye MOM. I will miss you. I will never forget you. I will love you until it's hello darkness for me too. Our bond can never be broken, even by your death. You saved a starving, homeless child, and I will never forget your kindness.

Goodbye Mom

I spent a few minutes with my mom today. She was sleeping. I just sat with her. The nurse told me she probably has weeks before she's actively dying.

I'm not a religious person, but I always think of mom when I recall Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

My mom, while a flawed and imperfect human being, is certainly true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report.

My mom saved my life. Me and my younger sister were homeless kids when she took us in. She ultimately adopted me. She saw the dysfunction and did her best to put an end to it. She gave me everything. I will miss her. I might get an opportunity to see her once more, but in case I don't, I'm saying goodbye now.

Goodbye mom. I'll love you until I draw my last breath.

I'm taking a few days to drive wherever. I need to process this whole thing. I don't want the pitying looks or the comments that, "it will be ok". I know it will be ok, eventually. A unique light in the universe is fading and will soon be gone. It's life. I know there's light at the end of the mourning process. I just need to process this in solitude, with my pup by my side. 

Mom not well

I went to see my mom yesterday and she's not well. She got 10x the prescribed dose of haloperidol. For alzheimers patients, haloperidol is supposed to be given at 0.5 mg. They gave her 5 mg at least 4 times. She's in really bad shape. She can't walk or feed herself and her speech is slurred and nonsense.

There was apparently an issue of mistaken identity or lies. The nurses told my sister that "the guy who showed up yesterday was very pushy, pushing her wheelchair when she clearly didn't want to be moved". When I went, I simply sat with her and listened to her. It's troubling that either the staff lied about me, or some unknown person was there wheeling mom around.

If they're lying, I'm not going to visit her without another family member present. I know all too well when women start lying about a man, it becomes very dangerous for the man.

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight. I think I'll drive back home tomorrow morning.

One thing I learned on this trip: my sister advocated disinheriting me during the negotiations for the trust.

I also learned that she got a loan from dad, and now he says she thinks half of the loan should be forgiven as part of her inheritance. She already gets 40% while I get 20%. She's trying to increase her share by taking money before dad dies.

I thought she had grown out of her greedy and petty phase. She's over 50 and still scheming. She never really accepted me as her brother. She was livid when mom adopted me.

It's a bit depressing actually. I sometimes just want to leave everything and go live in the woods alone with my dog.

Another Elder Circling the Drain

My stepdad called me this evening. When I saw the call come in I knew it wasn't good news. He rarely calls me.

He told me my adopted mother (biologically paternal aunt) is dying. She's been in memory care for almost a year. Apparently there was a medication error that caused some kind of problem. That was 10 days ago, according to my sister. I knew she wasn't going to survive much longer, but I didn't expect it so soon.

So, I'm packing the car and the pup and we're driving straight through starting tomorrow morning. I need to see her before she dies. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my father when he died, and I still feel guilt over that 18 years later.

I'm honestly just numb right now. Me and my beloved were supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Diwali. After hearing about my mom, I didn't feel like going. My partner understood. We're supposed to celebrate when he returns, but it's getting late.

I have to finish the laundry so I have clothes for the trip.

I think it's going to be a rough couple of months.

Losing Elders Sucks

I recently learned of the 2020 death of a friend with whom I'd lost touch. She was an award winning writer and a kind person. She taught creative writing at a community college.

I always find it difficult to lose elders. Their wisdom is lost and all that remains are the memories. Even those fade away in about 20 years. No one alive knows anything about my great grandparents, except the biographical information in a genealogy file.

It's also sad to realize that a unique light has gone out, and the universe is a little darker for the loss.

I need to make time to take a trip back home to visit my remaining elders. My mom is still there, even though she sometimes doesn't remember having kids.

Strange Bedfellows - Islamic Terrorists and LGBT Activists

Why are leftists embracing islamic terrorists? I guess it shouldn't be too surprising considering their adoration of Che, but there was a rare moment of clarity during a pro-palestine rally in London, where a 'progress' flag was torn down by terrorists.

Terrorists tear down LGBT flag

Personally, I hate that flag. It takes a symbol of gay and lesbian liberation and desecrates it with a bunch of trans, nonbinary and asexual bullshit. I often have an urge to tear that ugly abomination down when I see it flying. But I have enough respect for the opinions of others and their property rights to refrain.

We used to have a neighbor who had a daughter. From what I gather, she was always a bit of a tomboy, but absolutely heterosexual. Sadly, she got caught up in the postmodernist gender nonsense, and now she claims to be nonbinary and insists on they/them pronouns.

This stupid girl is literally a heterosexual female, but she "decides" one day she's not a woman, and now flies that ugly ass flag on her parent's porch. To add insult to injury, she started identifying as 'queer'. She was extremely offended when I told her the word 'queer' has always been a slur against gay men, and it is not any kind of identity. She was probably more offended when I referred to her as 'young lady' when I told her my position on the word 'queer'.

Anyway. Strange bedfellows indeed. Hamas would show no amount of tolerance for any member of the 'LGBTQIA+' alphabet brigade. Yet, the alphabet brigade is falling over themselves to be allies with hamas. Very disturbing.

I declared divorce from the rest of the alphabet brigade years ago. There are the LG. Everything after that are a bunch of fair weather friends and pretenders. Even the L and the G don't interact much in the wild, but as homosexuals, we have to stick together.

Skeptic's Guide Silence on Hamas Attack on Israel is Deafening

 Since a bunch of barbarians swarmed across the border between Gaza and Israel, killing hundreds, beheading babies, raping women and taking hostages, the Skeptic's Guide to the Universe has been strangely silent, as has their resident woke windbag, Cara Santa Maria. It's strange that an organization, allegedly founded to combat irrational thinking and misinformation has NOTHING to say about islamic swine murdering Jews and the misinformation campaign the islamic hordes unleashed.

Particularly telling is this whole thing over the bombing of the hospital in Gaza. Leftist media were eager to take the word of the terrorists when they blamed Israel, and anyone who tried to push back was labeled "islamophobic". It turns out, the hospital, which is run by a Christian organization, was accidentally hit when a rocket launched by Hamas failed mid-flight and dropped into the parking lot of the hospital.

The islamic world erupted with protests, fueled by the hamas lies. What were the lies? First, they claim that over 500 people were killed in the blast. Secondly, they claim the hospital was destroyed. What were the facts? The hospital was NOT DESTROYED, and the casualties, while unfortunate, were probably less than 100. The fact is, the explosion happened in the parking lot outside the hospital. Those who died had taken refuge at the hospital, but it was full, so they had camped out in the courtyard by the parking lot.

Any loss of life is sad. I am very sad seeing the pictures of dead children being pulled from rubble. But let's not pretend that the islamists don't purposely operate out of highly populated areas to ensure any Israeli response would involve massive civilian casualties. IDF does NOT operate that way. There is no moral equivalence here.

I stand with Israel 100%. They have a right to defend themselves, and to seek to punish the barbarians who murdered, raped and took so many of their citizens hostage.

I have been horrified to see islamic hordes protesting in my city! Seriously. These swine held a mass rally in Seattle yesterday. Hundreds of people marching in solidarity with terrorists! Fucking hell!

I have always been a creature of the left, but as the left has lost their minds in the last 10-15 years, I've seen myself more as a centrist. The left's response to the evils perpetuated on 10/7 against innocent civilians has pushed me firmly into the right wing. I say pushed, but it really was a massive shove from the left wing loonies.

Build a border wall. Deport the islamists and other criminals. Build up our military so we can give Russia, China, Iran and anyone else a boot in the ass if they fuck with us or our allies. I'm Pro-Israel, Pro-America, and Pro putting a boot in the ass of anyone who wants to undermine the American way of life.

One final note: The SGU had taken a left turn into crazy town a few years ago. I noticed it when Cara Santa Maria was spouting trans ideology unchecked. I noticed it when Science Based Medicine jumped on the left wing loony train when it comes to trans ideology. I stopped listening to the SGU years ago. I had been a big fan, but the pandering and unskeptical stances they were taking just rubbed me the wrong way.

Needless Death

Watching the horrifying images coming from Israel today, I'm saddened by the loss of human life. All for rights to occupy a piece of land that is unremarkable except for the history on that spot.

Already somewhat depressed about the needless death in Israel, I decided to mow the lawn. I was pushing the lawnmower down a slight incline of high grass when I felt an unusual rattle from the lawnmower. I had run over some sort of small mammal only slightly bigger than a mouse. It's poor, mangled body came out from the blades a few moments later.

I stopped the lawnmower and felt so helpless. Here this little critter was crawling through the grass enjoying its life, and it gets sucked up and mutilated. I hope it didn't suffer.

Death stalks us all. I hope when my time comes I don't suffer. If there were a god, I think he'd ensure innocent woodland creatures had good lives and swift, painless deaths. Watching a gazelle being devoured by lions tells a very different story.

I know in the grand arch of history, one little mammal makes little difference. But I don't like killing anything without it being necessary to preserve my life.

I'll get over this minor thing. Right now, there are humans killing other humans. Should I care more about that?

Another Noble Lie? Fentanyl Second-Hand Smoke

During the pandemic, the public was given whiplash from the swift changes in masking guidelines. First, they told us masks do nothing to stop the spread of SARS-COV-2, then they swiftly came out with mask mandates and patterns to make masks at home. The first recommendation was a noble lie, told because they wanted to keep the public from causing an even greater mask shortage, and preserving the existing supply for front line workers. It was a lie that backfired massively when many people refused to wear masks, using the noble lie to mask their political motivations.

Recently, fentanyl has been used on public transit in many cities, especially cities that have refused to punish drug use under the guise of social justice. A report in Seattle said traces of fentanyl were found in the air and on surfaces in busses and trains. Public health experts were quick to claim that the levels were safe.

Why do I think this is a noble lie? Because it affirms 2 sacred cows among the leftists in places like Seattle and Portland: public transit and social justice.

Public transit has been touted as a solution to global warming, and they don't want transit users to go back to driving cars for fear of being exposed to fentanyl on public transit.

Social justice types don't want people to be fearful of helping someone in the throws of a fentanyl overdose, so they say the levels are safe.

I'm not saying they're lying. I'm saying I'd like to see the the studies replicated by truth-seeking scientists, not hand-picked partisans on-board with the social coercion agenda of the far left.

It's sad that public health officials have lost their credibility to the point where people just ignore their bleating. Science has been taken over by postmodernism. Rough times ahead.

Did scammers hit Prosper Marketplace?

I've been investing with Prosper since around 2009, and my ROI has always been around 10%. I recently logged in to my Roth IRA Prosper account, and found that my ROI had dipped to 7.62%. Upon inspection, an unusually large number of notes are listed with an amount of "other" and "debt sold". I checked the account last month and there were 9 accounts with that status, there are now 56!

What the hell is going on with Prosper? Did they get hit by a group of scammers? Is this legitimate loans that have defaulted because of the economy? If anyone else has an insight into this, please let me know in the comments.

Jason Aldean and The Dixie Chicks

 I recently saw a Youtube video where Jason Aldean said "fuck Joe Biden" and fuck other leftists, and called for his supporters to vote for Grab 'Em By the Pussy Trump in 2024. Does anyone else remember when the political Karens canceled the Dixie Chicks in 2003 for saying they were ashamed that Bush was from Texas?

So, I have to ask the partisan zombies on the right, what happened to due respect for the office holder? And don't give me the bs argument that the Dixie Chicks had broken some non-existent taboo about criticizing POTUS while on tour in the territory of an ally.

I genuinely don't understand Trump supporters. In 2016, I could understand why some people, fed up with the status quo, were ready to vote for a political outsider. I thought they were foolish for thinking a bombastic, narcissistic billionaire would be the voice for working Americans. But after everything he has done to undermine our standing in the world, and his actions to overthrow the elected government, I do not understand why anyone still supports him. Are they willfully ignorant of his crimes, or do they simply hate America?

When the woke brigade came after Jason Aldean for his song, "Try that in a small town", I bought the song as a middle finger to the illiberal leftists who so eagerly misrepresent and spin anything they don't like. But now, I have to remove that song from my playlist because Mr. Aldean has proven he is anything but a patriot.

In summary, Fuck Jason Aldean and all trumpsterbators. They call themselves patriots, but they're blind partisan zombies and useful idiots for Trump and America's enemies.