A Unique Light Went Out in the Universe

My mom died last night. When I read the text message from my stepfather, I was overcome with a very complex set of emotions. I was mostly so sad that her uniqueness, her voice, her light was gone forever. But there was a small amount of relief and happiness that she's not in pain anymore.

The last time I saw here awake was a few days before she died. She was alert and talking, but the talk was nonsense. There were a few words mixed in, but it was mostly just her trying to communicate and being unable to. I'll never forget one specific thing. My mom loved to tell jokes, some of them a bit risque. Whenever she would tell a risque joke, she would let out this amazing laugh. It was high pitched, but had some low tones of a belly laugh. It reminded me that, even in her diminished state, her baseline personality and sense of humor was still intact. She still had that sparkle in her eye as she was speaking to her memory care bestie.

The last time I saw her, she was mostly unconscious. She would stir periodically, and she once opened her eyes. I held her hand and sat with her. I told her I love her. She was heavily sedated, but she squeezed my hand. She was so peaceful. I spent about an hour with her. I watched her breathe and mumble. As I was walking out of the room, I knew I would never see her again. I looked back at her, listened to her breathing, told her I love her and closed the door.

I took a meandering route home. It took 3 days to get home. By the time I got home, my stepfather was sending me texts with her vitals. Each text showed her fading away. After 3 more days, she took her last breath and died.

My mom was a lot of things. She was an entrepreneur. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a scout leader, a diligent worker, a friend, devout LDS, and so much more. She was salt-of-the-earth, the kind of shoulders upon which civilization rests. Even though she would never have called herself a feminist, she certainly broke a lot of glass ceilings in her time.

She struggled to accept a gay son. For her, I think she thought gay men existed because their parents failed them. She kept saying, "I didn't raise a gay boy". She had gay friends and coworkers. I know she didn't have any hate in her heart for gay men, but she just didn't think I was gay. I guess I don't fit the stereotype, so she had a bit of a point. After about 5 years, she finally accepted me. It got to the point where she scolded a woman who stood up in relief society to invite everyone to go protest at the pride celebration.

I don't believe in an afterlife. But, if I'm wrong, I hope people like my mom have a very good afterlife. She did so much good in her life, if anyone deserves a just reward after death, it is her. I feel the same about dogs. I know the euphemism of the rainbow bridge is quaint, but when I look at my own precious girl, I have to think she won't really be gone. But at the end of the day I know when the time comes for us all, it's simply lights out.

Everyone eventually fades from the memory of their descendants. My mom had such an amazing life, I might write a book about her life.

Maybe it is the fact that I've had a year to prepare, and 15 days of real notice, but I feel mostly at peace with mom's passing. I will certainly miss her. I will probably tear up a bit periodically when my senses remind me of something reminiscent of her. But I feel healthy closure in a way I didn't when my dad died. One note: The amazing woman who died yesterday is, for all intents and purposes my mom. However, biologically she is my paternal aunt who raised me and adopted me. The man who preceded her in death is my biological father (her brother), who died many years ago.

Goodbye MOM. I will miss you. I will never forget you. I will love you until it's hello darkness for me too. Our bond can never be broken, even by your death. You saved a starving, homeless child, and I will never forget your kindness.

Goodbye Mom

I spent a few minutes with my mom today. She was sleeping. I just sat with her. The nurse told me she probably has weeks before she's actively dying.

I'm not a religious person, but I always think of mom when I recall Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

My mom, while a flawed and imperfect human being, is certainly true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report.

My mom saved my life. Me and my younger sister were homeless kids when she took us in. She ultimately adopted me. She saw the dysfunction and did her best to put an end to it. She gave me everything. I will miss her. I might get an opportunity to see her once more, but in case I don't, I'm saying goodbye now.

Goodbye mom. I'll love you until I draw my last breath.

I'm taking a few days to drive wherever. I need to process this whole thing. I don't want the pitying looks or the comments that, "it will be ok". I know it will be ok, eventually. A unique light in the universe is fading and will soon be gone. It's life. I know there's light at the end of the mourning process. I just need to process this in solitude, with my pup by my side. 

Mom not well

I went to see my mom yesterday and she's not well. She got 10x the prescribed dose of haloperidol. For alzheimers patients, haloperidol is supposed to be given at 0.5 mg. They gave her 5 mg at least 4 times. She's in really bad shape. She can't walk or feed herself and her speech is slurred and nonsense.

There was apparently an issue of mistaken identity or lies. The nurses told my sister that "the guy who showed up yesterday was very pushy, pushing her wheelchair when she clearly didn't want to be moved". When I went, I simply sat with her and listened to her. It's troubling that either the staff lied about me, or some unknown person was there wheeling mom around.

If they're lying, I'm not going to visit her without another family member present. I know all too well when women start lying about a man, it becomes very dangerous for the man.

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight. I think I'll drive back home tomorrow morning.

One thing I learned on this trip: my sister advocated disinheriting me during the negotiations for the trust.

I also learned that she got a loan from dad, and now he says she thinks half of the loan should be forgiven as part of her inheritance. She already gets 40% while I get 20%. She's trying to increase her share by taking money before dad dies.

I thought she had grown out of her greedy and petty phase. She's over 50 and still scheming. She never really accepted me as her brother. She was livid when mom adopted me.

It's a bit depressing actually. I sometimes just want to leave everything and go live in the woods alone with my dog.

Another Elder Circling the Drain

My stepdad called me this evening. When I saw the call come in I knew it wasn't good news. He rarely calls me.

He told me my adopted mother (biologically paternal aunt) is dying. She's been in memory care for almost a year. Apparently there was a medication error that caused some kind of problem. That was 10 days ago, according to my sister. I knew she wasn't going to survive much longer, but I didn't expect it so soon.

So, I'm packing the car and the pup and we're driving straight through starting tomorrow morning. I need to see her before she dies. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my father when he died, and I still feel guilt over that 18 years later.

I'm honestly just numb right now. Me and my beloved were supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Diwali. After hearing about my mom, I didn't feel like going. My partner understood. We're supposed to celebrate when he returns, but it's getting late.

I have to finish the laundry so I have clothes for the trip.

I think it's going to be a rough couple of months.

Losing Elders Sucks

I recently learned of the 2020 death of a friend with whom I'd lost touch. She was an award winning writer and a kind person. She taught creative writing at a community college.

I always find it difficult to lose elders. Their wisdom is lost and all that remains are the memories. Even those fade away in about 20 years. No one alive knows anything about my great grandparents, except the biographical information in a genealogy file.

It's also sad to realize that a unique light has gone out, and the universe is a little darker for the loss.

I need to make time to take a trip back home to visit my remaining elders. My mom is still there, even though she sometimes doesn't remember having kids.