Grieving Alone - Distraction Provided by Television

After Mom died, my partner was called away to take care of his own parents. I almost immediately got COVID-19, which has dragged on for over a month. I've been grieving my mom's passing by doing little projects around the house (when I have the energy), but mostly I watch television from my youth.

First, I turned to Roseanne. I grew up in a working-class family, and my biological parents were the working poor. There was something comforting about watching select episodes. I know Roseanne Barr said some horrible things, and she has become politically unhinged, but I choose to remember her for the headstrong woman who used to hit her husband with a frying pan for laughs. In some ways, my mom was like Roseanne from the '90s. She was a hard-working boomer who worked her fingers to the bone taking care of her daughter and taking in two homeless kids. Something about re-watching Roseanne helped me remember my mom for the best parts of her unique being.

I then moved on to Star Trek Voyager. I grew up on Next Generation, but I have gravitated to Voyager more as I get older. In this time of grieving the loss of the matriarch of my family, Janeway provides some comfort. She's always headstrong and tough, while also being warm and feminine when required. I also see my mom in her character as well.

I then watched the Vicar of Dibley. The lead character is played by Dawn French, and is a newly ordained female vicar. The show takes place shortly after the Church of England started to ordain women. To me, Geraldine Granger represents a woman who broke through a glass ceiling while endearing the stodgy, conservative men around her with a quick wit and a hilarious disposition. My mom broke through many glass ceilings in her life. She faced many challenges, yet she always found a way to smile.

At the moment I'm re-watching Queer As Folk. It will come as no surprise to learn that I also found a character in this show that reminds me of my mom. Two of them in fact. The first is Michael's mom, Debbie. She's a headstrong, bossy, charming woman who always works hard and smiles. That's where the similarities end though. Debbie is a proud PFLAG mom, whereas my mom took many years to accept that I'm actually gay, and not just "being a pervert". She knew gay men, and she accepted them, even if she didn't exactly understand. She just didn't accept that SHE had raised a gay boy. The other character that reminded me somewhat of mom was Justin's mother, Jennifer. She's a fairly conservative housewife who discovers her son is gay, and struggles to understand and accept her son. She ultimately comes to accept her gay son, and it happens fairly quickly in narrative terms in the show. My mom took a lot longer. It wasn't until I brought a doctor home that my mom really started to accept me as her gay son. I still think she harbored some hesitations to the end, but she was too much of a lady to say anything.

Part of my grieving has had to do with inequality in how the inheritance will work. I was told by my step-father and my adopted sister that my mom wanted to cut me out of the inheritance entirely, but that an attorney suggested that might lead to a legal struggle that would cause problems. So, as my adopted sister and step-father narrate it, my mom agreed to give me 20%, while her daughter got 40%, and my step-father's daughter got the remaining 40%. There was a will written up in 2001, which laid all this out, but my mom never signed it. This is all hearsay, as I have not seen the will. If this is true, 2001 represented the low point of my relationship with my mom. In 2003, I met my partner, and things started looking up. By 2006, when we moved to Atlanta for my partner's residency, my relationship with mom was far better than her relationship with her biological daughter.

It hurts that they took a snapshot of the comparative relationships at the time when my stock was lowest with mom, and used that to give me an unequal share.

In some ways I feel bad for feeling angry about the unequal treatment. From my adopted-sister's perspective, it should have all been hers. She was always told the house was hers, and mom even went as far as putting my sister's name on the title of the house. Of course, after she got married, she wanted to put her new husband's name on the title, and my sister INSISTED on being paid a large sum of money to sign off on the change. In order to pay, mom cashed out her 401(k) retirement fund.

From my step-father's perspective, it should have been split evenly between his daughter and mom's daughter. He and I never had a good relationship. It was only in caring for mom that we really started to forgive and forget some of the things that happened shortly after they got married.

I'm ok. At the moment, I'm unemployed. I have my small side-gigs that keep me afloat, except for this damned virus keeping me from working for over a month! I still sometimes feel a pang of grief when I overhear a proud mother praising her son. I tear up a bit thinking how I'll never again hear her voice and see her eyes light up when she looks at me and says "that's my boy!".

I miss you mom. It was hard watching them put the veil on you and close your casket. It's hard knowing you're laying there in the cold ground for eternity.

At least I took the time to go see her as she was fading at the end. I held her hand and she opened her eyes and looked at me. She couldn't talk, but she smiled a bit and squeezed my hand before closing her eyes. I spent a few more minutes listening to her breathe. I kissed her on the cheek, told her I love her, and I left. I knew that was the last time I'd see her again. I'm so grateful to have spent that time with her. I miss her, but I'm also happy she isn't suffering anymore. I knew being locked in that memory care was hard for her. Still, as she always did, she made friends with other residents, and could still light up the room with her smile.

She did the best she could. She took in 2 homeless kids and gave us a home. Any mistakes she made in her future parenting were nothing compared to the kindness she showed with that first act of selfless kindness.

Mom's Funeral Speech

Given at my mom's funeral. I've stripped out some identifying information to protect my privacy. I wrote this over the course of about a week.

--------------Begin speech

I remember speaking at this very podium 35 years ago. Back then, they put podium at the lowest height and the microphone was down as far as it could go. I never imagined I'd be speaking here again. Hopefully my oratory skills have improved since then.

I spent hours agonizing over how to best honor mom. I ultimately decided to just share a few memories, quotes and concepts I cherish.

Anyone who knows mom knows she had a special place in her heart for animals. I have a picture of her as a teenager at a wedding. In her hands is a small black fuzzy thing. Upon closer inspection, you can clearly see it's a kitten. Yes, she brought a kitten to a wedding. This should come as a surprise to no one.

Mom once showed up at my apartment with a wounded pigeon she'd found floundering in the road. I told her my lease didn't allow pets. Undeterred, she marched over to the manager's apartment and informed him she was leaving it with me. The manager was a big guy, but he knew he'd met his match. He relented and gave his consent. Before I knew it, she brought over 2 homeless cockatoos as well! That's when the manager put the kibosh on the ever-expanding avian zoo!

When I was 7 or 8, mom got new linoleum in the kitchen. I got home from school and decided I was going to clean the new linoleum. I guess it looked in need of a cleaning! When she walked in the door from a hard day's work at the shop, she found that I had used comet cleaner on her shiny new linoleum. Needless to say, it was no longer shiny! At the time she was not happy, but eventually she learned to laugh about it. She had a way of finding the silver lining in just about any situation. That was one of her most endearing qualities. That, and her gift for gab.

After me and my partner moved away, mom and I would still talk on the phone for hours multiple times per week. We never ran out of things to talk about. 

One time dad and my partner were captive observers to one of these chat fests. We were driving through Lake Tahoe, and mom and I started talking. We were so engrossed in our conversation that we failed to notice the bored and stunned looks on their faces. Apparently we talked nonstop for 3 hours completely oblivious to their boredom. I earned a nickname that day: chatty cathy.

I found a poem that touched me in dealing with my grief at losing my favorite conversation partner. 

Hericlitis, by Callimachus, translated by William Johnson Corey:

They told me Hericlitis 

They told me you were dead

They brought me bitter news to hear

And bitter tears to shed

I wept as I remembered

How often you and I 

Had tired the sun with talking 

And sent him down the sky.

I'd like to read a memorable quote from the epistle to the Philippians. This is chapter 4, verse 8:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

I'd like to close with a cultural observation.

In Judaism, when they learn someone has died, they say "yehi zichra baruch", which translates to, "may her memory be for a blessing".

Mom. I will miss our conversations. I will miss your contagious, uproarious laughter. I will miss your legendary kindness. For me, your memory will always be a blessing. 

Thank you for rescuing a homeless kid and giving me a good life.

Hate Crime Laws Violating Free Speech

I'm almost a free speech purist, with exceptions for incitement to violence. That's why I'm horrified that a man has been convicted for trespass for putting notes on doors of homes flying the rainbow flag.

Here's the article:

https://apnews.com/article/iowa-hate-crime-lgbtq-rainbow-flag-b5d7d94722180171d80c38edf3676576

First off, saying "burn that gay flag" should never EVER be a crime. I'm a gay man, and I've put up with a lot of hateful speech in my lifetime. Never once did I think the speaker should have been prosecuted. It's speech, not conduct!

And what did they ultimately charge him with? Trespass. For walking on private property to put the notes on the doors. Did he holler at them? No. Did he threaten them? No. He simply walked up the walkway and put a note on the door expressing his opinion of the rainbow flag. 

People walk up to people's doors and leave notes frequently. Missionaries leave notes. People drive around leaving business cards and religious tracts. Is the state really saying no crime would have been committed if he had mailed them the note, or left it on the fence?

This guy was given 2 years probation for speech! I'm absolutely fucking livid! Why in hell did the snowflakes who received the notes call the police? Are gays suddenly buddy buddy with the police? Last I checked the police caused gay men more trouble that they ever provided help. This kind of shit is why so many people hate on gays. We won marriage equality. We won housing and employment protections. Do we have to pretend we're victimized by some old bigot leaving notes around town? Grow the fuck up!

A Unique Light Went Out in the Universe

My mom died last night. When I read the text message from my stepfather, I was overcome with a very complex set of emotions. I was mostly so sad that her uniqueness, her voice, her light was gone forever. But there was a small amount of relief and happiness that she's not in pain anymore.

The last time I saw here awake was a few days before she died. She was alert and talking, but the talk was nonsense. There were a few words mixed in, but it was mostly just her trying to communicate and being unable to. I'll never forget one specific thing. My mom loved to tell jokes, some of them a bit risque. Whenever she would tell a risque joke, she would let out this amazing laugh. It was high pitched, but had some low tones of a belly laugh. It reminded me that, even in her diminished state, her baseline personality and sense of humor was still intact. She still had that sparkle in her eye as she was speaking to her memory care bestie.

The last time I saw her, she was mostly unconscious. She would stir periodically, and she once opened her eyes. I held her hand and sat with her. I told her I love her. She was heavily sedated, but she squeezed my hand. She was so peaceful. I spent about an hour with her. I watched her breathe and mumble. As I was walking out of the room, I knew I would never see her again. I looked back at her, listened to her breathing, told her I love her and closed the door.

I took a meandering route home. It took 3 days to get home. By the time I got home, my stepfather was sending me texts with her vitals. Each text showed her fading away. After 3 more days, she took her last breath and died.

My mom was a lot of things. She was an entrepreneur. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a scout leader, a diligent worker, a friend, devout LDS, and so much more. She was salt-of-the-earth, the kind of shoulders upon which civilization rests. Even though she would never have called herself a feminist, she certainly broke a lot of glass ceilings in her time.

She struggled to accept a gay son. For her, I think she thought gay men existed because their parents failed them. She kept saying, "I didn't raise a gay boy". She had gay friends and coworkers. I know she didn't have any hate in her heart for gay men, but she just didn't think I was gay. I guess I don't fit the stereotype, so she had a bit of a point. After about 5 years, she finally accepted me. It got to the point where she scolded a woman who stood up in relief society to invite everyone to go protest at the pride celebration.

I don't believe in an afterlife. But, if I'm wrong, I hope people like my mom have a very good afterlife. She did so much good in her life, if anyone deserves a just reward after death, it is her. I feel the same about dogs. I know the euphemism of the rainbow bridge is quaint, but when I look at my own precious girl, I have to think she won't really be gone. But at the end of the day I know when the time comes for us all, it's simply lights out.

Everyone eventually fades from the memory of their descendants. My mom had such an amazing life, I might write a book about her life.

Maybe it is the fact that I've had a year to prepare, and 15 days of real notice, but I feel mostly at peace with mom's passing. I will certainly miss her. I will probably tear up a bit periodically when my senses remind me of something reminiscent of her. But I feel healthy closure in a way I didn't when my dad died. One note: The amazing woman who died yesterday is, for all intents and purposes my mom. However, biologically she is my paternal aunt who raised me and adopted me. The man who preceded her in death is my biological father (her brother), who died many years ago.

Goodbye MOM. I will miss you. I will never forget you. I will love you until it's hello darkness for me too. Our bond can never be broken, even by your death. You saved a starving, homeless child, and I will never forget your kindness.

Goodbye Mom

I spent a few minutes with my mom today. She was sleeping. I just sat with her. The nurse told me she probably has weeks before she's actively dying.

I'm not a religious person, but I always think of mom when I recall Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

My mom, while a flawed and imperfect human being, is certainly true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report.

My mom saved my life. Me and my younger sister were homeless kids when she took us in. She ultimately adopted me. She saw the dysfunction and did her best to put an end to it. She gave me everything. I will miss her. I might get an opportunity to see her once more, but in case I don't, I'm saying goodbye now.

Goodbye mom. I'll love you until I draw my last breath.

I'm taking a few days to drive wherever. I need to process this whole thing. I don't want the pitying looks or the comments that, "it will be ok". I know it will be ok, eventually. A unique light in the universe is fading and will soon be gone. It's life. I know there's light at the end of the mourning process. I just need to process this in solitude, with my pup by my side. 

Mom not well

I went to see my mom yesterday and she's not well. She got 10x the prescribed dose of haloperidol. For alzheimers patients, haloperidol is supposed to be given at 0.5 mg. They gave her 5 mg at least 4 times. She's in really bad shape. She can't walk or feed herself and her speech is slurred and nonsense.

There was apparently an issue of mistaken identity or lies. The nurses told my sister that "the guy who showed up yesterday was very pushy, pushing her wheelchair when she clearly didn't want to be moved". When I went, I simply sat with her and listened to her. It's troubling that either the staff lied about me, or some unknown person was there wheeling mom around.

If they're lying, I'm not going to visit her without another family member present. I know all too well when women start lying about a man, it becomes very dangerous for the man.

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight. I think I'll drive back home tomorrow morning.

One thing I learned on this trip: my sister advocated disinheriting me during the negotiations for the trust.

I also learned that she got a loan from dad, and now he says she thinks half of the loan should be forgiven as part of her inheritance. She already gets 40% while I get 20%. She's trying to increase her share by taking money before dad dies.

I thought she had grown out of her greedy and petty phase. She's over 50 and still scheming. She never really accepted me as her brother. She was livid when mom adopted me.

It's a bit depressing actually. I sometimes just want to leave everything and go live in the woods alone with my dog.

Another Elder Circling the Drain

My stepdad called me this evening. When I saw the call come in I knew it wasn't good news. He rarely calls me.

He told me my adopted mother (biologically paternal aunt) is dying. She's been in memory care for almost a year. Apparently there was a medication error that caused some kind of problem. That was 10 days ago, according to my sister. I knew she wasn't going to survive much longer, but I didn't expect it so soon.

So, I'm packing the car and the pup and we're driving straight through starting tomorrow morning. I need to see her before she dies. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my father when he died, and I still feel guilt over that 18 years later.

I'm honestly just numb right now. Me and my beloved were supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Diwali. After hearing about my mom, I didn't feel like going. My partner understood. We're supposed to celebrate when he returns, but it's getting late.

I have to finish the laundry so I have clothes for the trip.

I think it's going to be a rough couple of months.