A Unique Light Went Out in the Universe

My mom died last night. When I read the text message from my stepfather, I was overcome with a very complex set of emotions. I was mostly so sad that her uniqueness, her voice, her light was gone forever. But there was a small amount of relief and happiness that she's not in pain anymore.

The last time I saw here awake was a few days before she died. She was alert and talking, but the talk was nonsense. There were a few words mixed in, but it was mostly just her trying to communicate and being unable to. I'll never forget one specific thing. My mom loved to tell jokes, some of them a bit risque. Whenever she would tell a risque joke, she would let out this amazing laugh. It was high pitched, but had some low tones of a belly laugh. It reminded me that, even in her diminished state, her baseline personality and sense of humor was still intact. She still had that sparkle in her eye as she was speaking to her memory care bestie.

The last time I saw her, she was mostly unconscious. She would stir periodically, and she once opened her eyes. I held her hand and sat with her. I told her I love her. She was heavily sedated, but she squeezed my hand. She was so peaceful. I spent about an hour with her. I watched her breathe and mumble. As I was walking out of the room, I knew I would never see her again. I looked back at her, listened to her breathing, told her I love her and closed the door.

I took a meandering route home. It took 3 days to get home. By the time I got home, my stepfather was sending me texts with her vitals. Each text showed her fading away. After 3 more days, she took her last breath and died.

My mom was a lot of things. She was an entrepreneur. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a scout leader, a diligent worker, a friend, devout LDS, and so much more. She was salt-of-the-earth, the kind of shoulders upon which civilization rests. Even though she would never have called herself a feminist, she certainly broke a lot of glass ceilings in her time.

She struggled to accept a gay son. For her, I think she thought gay men existed because their parents failed them. She kept saying, "I didn't raise a gay boy". She had gay friends and coworkers. I know she didn't have any hate in her heart for gay men, but she just didn't think I was gay. I guess I don't fit the stereotype, so she had a bit of a point. After about 5 years, she finally accepted me. It got to the point where she scolded a woman who stood up in relief society to invite everyone to go protest at the pride celebration.

I don't believe in an afterlife. But, if I'm wrong, I hope people like my mom have a very good afterlife. She did so much good in her life, if anyone deserves a just reward after death, it is her. I feel the same about dogs. I know the euphemism of the rainbow bridge is quaint, but when I look at my own precious girl, I have to think she won't really be gone. But at the end of the day I know when the time comes for us all, it's simply lights out.

Everyone eventually fades from the memory of their descendants. My mom had such an amazing life, I might write a book about her life.

Maybe it is the fact that I've had a year to prepare, and 15 days of real notice, but I feel mostly at peace with mom's passing. I will certainly miss her. I will probably tear up a bit periodically when my senses remind me of something reminiscent of her. But I feel healthy closure in a way I didn't when my dad died. One note: The amazing woman who died yesterday is, for all intents and purposes my mom. However, biologically she is my paternal aunt who raised me and adopted me. The man who preceded her in death is my biological father (her brother), who died many years ago.

Goodbye MOM. I will miss you. I will never forget you. I will love you until it's hello darkness for me too. Our bond can never be broken, even by your death. You saved a starving, homeless child, and I will never forget your kindness.

Goodbye Mom

I spent a few minutes with my mom today. She was sleeping. I just sat with her. The nurse told me she probably has weeks before she's actively dying.

I'm not a religious person, but I always think of mom when I recall Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

My mom, while a flawed and imperfect human being, is certainly true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report.

My mom saved my life. Me and my younger sister were homeless kids when she took us in. She ultimately adopted me. She saw the dysfunction and did her best to put an end to it. She gave me everything. I will miss her. I might get an opportunity to see her once more, but in case I don't, I'm saying goodbye now.

Goodbye mom. I'll love you until I draw my last breath.

I'm taking a few days to drive wherever. I need to process this whole thing. I don't want the pitying looks or the comments that, "it will be ok". I know it will be ok, eventually. A unique light in the universe is fading and will soon be gone. It's life. I know there's light at the end of the mourning process. I just need to process this in solitude, with my pup by my side. 

Mom not well

I went to see my mom yesterday and she's not well. She got 10x the prescribed dose of haloperidol. For alzheimers patients, haloperidol is supposed to be given at 0.5 mg. They gave her 5 mg at least 4 times. She's in really bad shape. She can't walk or feed herself and her speech is slurred and nonsense.

There was apparently an issue of mistaken identity or lies. The nurses told my sister that "the guy who showed up yesterday was very pushy, pushing her wheelchair when she clearly didn't want to be moved". When I went, I simply sat with her and listened to her. It's troubling that either the staff lied about me, or some unknown person was there wheeling mom around.

If they're lying, I'm not going to visit her without another family member present. I know all too well when women start lying about a man, it becomes very dangerous for the man.

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight. I think I'll drive back home tomorrow morning.

One thing I learned on this trip: my sister advocated disinheriting me during the negotiations for the trust.

I also learned that she got a loan from dad, and now he says she thinks half of the loan should be forgiven as part of her inheritance. She already gets 40% while I get 20%. She's trying to increase her share by taking money before dad dies.

I thought she had grown out of her greedy and petty phase. She's over 50 and still scheming. She never really accepted me as her brother. She was livid when mom adopted me.

It's a bit depressing actually. I sometimes just want to leave everything and go live in the woods alone with my dog.

Another Elder Circling the Drain

My stepdad called me this evening. When I saw the call come in I knew it wasn't good news. He rarely calls me.

He told me my adopted mother (biologically paternal aunt) is dying. She's been in memory care for almost a year. Apparently there was a medication error that caused some kind of problem. That was 10 days ago, according to my sister. I knew she wasn't going to survive much longer, but I didn't expect it so soon.

So, I'm packing the car and the pup and we're driving straight through starting tomorrow morning. I need to see her before she dies. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my father when he died, and I still feel guilt over that 18 years later.

I'm honestly just numb right now. Me and my beloved were supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Diwali. After hearing about my mom, I didn't feel like going. My partner understood. We're supposed to celebrate when he returns, but it's getting late.

I have to finish the laundry so I have clothes for the trip.

I think it's going to be a rough couple of months.

Losing Elders Sucks

I recently learned of the 2020 death of a friend with whom I'd lost touch. She was an award winning writer and a kind person. She taught creative writing at a community college.

I always find it difficult to lose elders. Their wisdom is lost and all that remains are the memories. Even those fade away in about 20 years. No one alive knows anything about my great grandparents, except the biographical information in a genealogy file.

It's also sad to realize that a unique light has gone out, and the universe is a little darker for the loss.

I need to make time to take a trip back home to visit my remaining elders. My mom is still there, even though she sometimes doesn't remember having kids.

Strange Bedfellows - Islamic Terrorists and LGBT Activists

Why are leftists embracing islamic terrorists? I guess it shouldn't be too surprising considering their adoration of Che, but there was a rare moment of clarity during a pro-palestine rally in London, where a 'progress' flag was torn down by terrorists.

Terrorists tear down LGBT flag

Personally, I hate that flag. It takes a symbol of gay and lesbian liberation and desecrates it with a bunch of trans, nonbinary and asexual bullshit. I often have an urge to tear that ugly abomination down when I see it flying. But I have enough respect for the opinions of others and their property rights to refrain.

We used to have a neighbor who had a daughter. From what I gather, she was always a bit of a tomboy, but absolutely heterosexual. Sadly, she got caught up in the postmodernist gender nonsense, and now she claims to be nonbinary and insists on they/them pronouns.

This stupid girl is literally a heterosexual female, but she "decides" one day she's not a woman, and now flies that ugly ass flag on her parent's porch. To add insult to injury, she started identifying as 'queer'. She was extremely offended when I told her the word 'queer' has always been a slur against gay men, and it is not any kind of identity. She was probably more offended when I referred to her as 'young lady' when I told her my position on the word 'queer'.

Anyway. Strange bedfellows indeed. Hamas would show no amount of tolerance for any member of the 'LGBTQIA+' alphabet brigade. Yet, the alphabet brigade is falling over themselves to be allies with hamas. Very disturbing.

I declared divorce from the rest of the alphabet brigade years ago. There are the LG. Everything after that are a bunch of fair weather friends and pretenders. Even the L and the G don't interact much in the wild, but as homosexuals, we have to stick together.

Skeptic's Guide Silence on Hamas Attack on Israel is Deafening

 Since a bunch of barbarians swarmed across the border between Gaza and Israel, killing hundreds, beheading babies, raping women and taking hostages, the Skeptic's Guide to the Universe has been strangely silent, as has their resident woke windbag, Cara Santa Maria. It's strange that an organization, allegedly founded to combat irrational thinking and misinformation has NOTHING to say about islamic swine murdering Jews and the misinformation campaign the islamic hordes unleashed.

Particularly telling is this whole thing over the bombing of the hospital in Gaza. Leftist media were eager to take the word of the terrorists when they blamed Israel, and anyone who tried to push back was labeled "islamophobic". It turns out, the hospital, which is run by a Christian organization, was accidentally hit when a rocket launched by Hamas failed mid-flight and dropped into the parking lot of the hospital.

The islamic world erupted with protests, fueled by the hamas lies. What were the lies? First, they claim that over 500 people were killed in the blast. Secondly, they claim the hospital was destroyed. What were the facts? The hospital was NOT DESTROYED, and the casualties, while unfortunate, were probably less than 100. The fact is, the explosion happened in the parking lot outside the hospital. Those who died had taken refuge at the hospital, but it was full, so they had camped out in the courtyard by the parking lot.

Any loss of life is sad. I am very sad seeing the pictures of dead children being pulled from rubble. But let's not pretend that the islamists don't purposely operate out of highly populated areas to ensure any Israeli response would involve massive civilian casualties. IDF does NOT operate that way. There is no moral equivalence here.

I stand with Israel 100%. They have a right to defend themselves, and to seek to punish the barbarians who murdered, raped and took so many of their citizens hostage.

I have been horrified to see islamic hordes protesting in my city! Seriously. These swine held a mass rally in Seattle yesterday. Hundreds of people marching in solidarity with terrorists! Fucking hell!

I have always been a creature of the left, but as the left has lost their minds in the last 10-15 years, I've seen myself more as a centrist. The left's response to the evils perpetuated on 10/7 against innocent civilians has pushed me firmly into the right wing. I say pushed, but it really was a massive shove from the left wing loonies.

Build a border wall. Deport the islamists and other criminals. Build up our military so we can give Russia, China, Iran and anyone else a boot in the ass if they fuck with us or our allies. I'm Pro-Israel, Pro-America, and Pro putting a boot in the ass of anyone who wants to undermine the American way of life.

One final note: The SGU had taken a left turn into crazy town a few years ago. I noticed it when Cara Santa Maria was spouting trans ideology unchecked. I noticed it when Science Based Medicine jumped on the left wing loony train when it comes to trans ideology. I stopped listening to the SGU years ago. I had been a big fan, but the pandering and unskeptical stances they were taking just rubbed me the wrong way.